Why You Feel Like You're Parenting Your ADHD Husband
- Derrick Hoard
- Nov 12, 2024
- 4 min read
Do you feel more like a caretaker or a parent than a partner in your relationship with an ADHD spouse?
It’s a common experience for many women in ADHD relationships: you’re constantly reminding, organizing, following up, and sometimes even taking on responsibilities that should be shared. It’s exhausting, and it can leave you feeling resentful, emotionally drained, and unappreciated. But why does this dynamic happen so often in ADHD relationships? And what’s it doing to your relationship?
Let’s take a closer look at why this “parent-child” dynamic tends to form and why it can be so harmful.
How the "Parent-Child" Dynamic Begins
In relationships with an ADHD partner, the “parent-child” dynamic often begins with good intentions. You step in to help because you care, and you know your partner struggles with things like organization, focus, or follow-through. Maybe it starts with small things — reminding him to pay bills on time, picking up the slack on household chores, or handling the family calendar because he forgets important dates.
Over time, though, these small gestures can grow into larger responsibilities. You might find yourself feeling solely responsible for managing the day-to-day aspects of life, while your partner drifts into a more passive role. The longer this goes on, the more it feels like you’re the only one keeping things afloat.
Why the “Parent-Child” Dynamic Feels So Draining
1. You’re Carrying an Unequal Emotional Load
Taking on the role of the “responsible one” in a relationship can be incredibly draining. You’re constantly juggling tasks, mentally organizing what needs to be done, and often taking on more than your fair share. This emotional load isn’t just exhausting — it’s unfair. When you’re constantly the one worrying about bills, deadlines, and plans, it can make you feel like you’re running the relationship single-handedly.
2. It Creates Resentment and Erodes Respect
As you take on more responsibilities, resentment can begin to build. You might start to see your partner as unreliable or even childish, and it’s hard to feel attracted to someone you view as a dependent. This erosion of respect can create a wall between you and your partner, making it difficult to connect on a deeper level.
3. It’s a One-Way Street to Burnout
When you’re the “parent” in the relationship, you’re constantly on duty. You’re the reminder, the organizer, the problem-solver, and sometimes even the “disciplinarian.” This relentless responsibility can easily lead to burnout. You might find yourself withdrawing, both physically and emotionally, simply because you’re exhausted from keeping everything going.
4. It Undermines True Partnership
Relationships are meant to be partnerships, not parent-child dynamics. When you’re carrying the weight of both your own responsibilities and his, it undermines the sense of equality and teamwork that healthy relationships are built on. Instead of working together, you end up feeling like you’re the only adult in the relationship, while he becomes a passive participant.
Why the “Parent-Child” Dynamic Won’t Change on Its Own
If you’re waiting for things to balance out naturally, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. The “parent-child” dynamic is self-reinforcing: the more you step in, the more passive he becomes. And the more passive he becomes, the more you feel the need to step in. This cycle won’t break itself.
Here’s the tough truth: As long as you continue to take on the “parent” role, he’ll remain in the “child” role. Waiting, hoping, or gently encouraging him to take on more responsibility isn’t likely to create lasting change. Without intervention, this dynamic can continue indefinitely, leading to further burnout and resentment.
The Impact on Your Relationship
The “parent-child” dynamic doesn’t just impact the day-to-day running of your household; it also takes a toll on intimacy, communication, and emotional connection. You might feel alone, even when you’re physically together. You may find it harder to open up to him because it feels like you’re always “on” and he’s not doing his part.
Over time, this dynamic can erode the foundation of your relationship. You may lose sight of what brought you together in the first place, and it can feel like you’re more of a caretaker than a partner. This shift can be painful, leaving you questioning if the relationship can be fulfilling in the long run.
Are You Ready to Break Free from the "Parent-Child" Cycle?
If you’re tired of feeling like the only adult in the relationship, it might be time to take a closer look at the patterns that keep this dynamic going. Understanding why the “parent-child” cycle happens is the first step to breaking free and building a relationship that feels equal, supportive, and fulfilling. But remember, this won’t change without intentional effort.
Until you address the underlying issues, you may find yourself stuck in this draining, frustrating pattern.
The choice is yours: do you want to keep carrying this load on your own, or are you ready to take steps toward a more balanced and satisfying partnership?
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